i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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