I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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