did you get engaged???
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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