i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
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your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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