you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
