Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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