a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
