you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
