My liver just broke up with me...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
