dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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