Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
