I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
