God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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