...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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