i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
