3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We need to rekindle our bromance
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
