Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
