I could make wine with my vomit
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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