If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
