What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
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I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
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Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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