Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
