There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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