i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
