So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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