I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
