sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize