Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
