My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
