Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
