I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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