So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
sex in a hospital.. check
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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