By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
