He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
