toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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