watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
