Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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