you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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