I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
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I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
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I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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