I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?