i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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