I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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