Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
