I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
