mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
