This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
