so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
