Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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