There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
