Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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