it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
