i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.