Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.