i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
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That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.